[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
You are what you delete.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..