[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
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Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
i want the dreams to chase me for once
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe