WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
You Might Also Like
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: They were out of tampons, so I got you a box of bandaids instead.
Her:
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
It’s sad when your closest friends get remarried and you know it’ll be another 2-5 years before they’re single and ready to hang out again.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
My dad is at it again