@TheAndrewNadeau

WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

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@MollySneed

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

@gavinmind

Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.

@YUCKYBOT

“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.

@justinbieber

Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2

@bartandsoul

It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition

@cwhudson

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

@_making_friends

me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]

@LetGoBeFreeDoU

Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..

@ashmensch

[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*