WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.

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[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH


Whoever is making cheese commercials can save their money. We’re buying cheese and and we’re never going to stop buying cheese.


“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.


Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2


It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition


*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*


me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]


Take Note: a stress ball can be used for throwing at people who stress you out..

You’re Welcome..


[Juice Bar]

(Wildebeest disguised as man): 36 shots of wheat grass

(Lion disguised as Bartender): Follow me out back “sir”

*hyenas laugh*