*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
When it comes to telling a joke, opportunity Knock Knocks. #jokes
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
Give a woman an inch and she probably won’t call you back.