WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
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Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.