wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

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They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.


Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.


“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”


I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.


*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”


“Your password is two weeks.”


*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?


HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?


KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog