wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I think my neighbor is trying to domesticate a coyote.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO
Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
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No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?