They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
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Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
“Your password is two weeks.”
*knocks on women’s restroom door*
You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
She has her thinking cat on.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog