@MNateShyamalan

wolf: little pig, let me in

pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin

wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place

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@BrainFumbles

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

@fightforfood

Has anyone tried watering old people? Maybe they just need to be watered.

@trevso_electric

“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance

@DomesticGoddss

I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.

@Rollinintheseat

*Shakespeare resetting his password*

“Enter new password.”

Fortnight

“Your password is two weeks.”

@astutenewf

*knocks on women’s restroom door*

You gonna finish that sandwich on your desk?

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now

ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?

@Cpin42

KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks

ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog