Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
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[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.