just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
My senior Quote
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly