@AndrewNadeau0

Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.

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@bobby

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

@Jeffwni

[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?

@Home_Halfway

ME: Hey you haven’t talked to me lately, are you mad at me
FRIEND: No things are just really awful
ME: Oh thank god
FRIEND: What

@Contwixt

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

@stevevsninjas

So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.

@WilliamAder

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

@roxiqt

If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.

@Token_Geezer

Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb

I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly