Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
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I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
every time we see a couple with a big age gap, my girlfriend goes “ugh what do they even have in common???” and it’s like, idk, maybe that they’re both getting extremely judgmental voicemails from every member of their family
adam and eve had first world problems
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
my friends when i can’t do basic math
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this