911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
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*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
ME: Would you like a snack?
4: No. As a pure mathematical object, I require no physical sustenance.
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
in australia we call her kilometrey cyrus
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.
We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.