Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath

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I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.


They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.


Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”


How bad is it, doc?

“Well, you’ll never run again”

So basically the same


If you have a family member you that you never want to see again, loan them some money.


“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks


I say: “No, sorry. I’m not on Facebook at all.”

They hear: “I live amongst hill people where The Goat we worship has forbidden friendship.”