Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
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