@robdelaney

Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.

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@TiaBarracini

I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.

Does this bed seem too desperate?

@JohnHilsen

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

@nachosarah

hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield

@thedad

Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.

@Jake_Vig

GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?

MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…

GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?

@sixfootcandy

BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*

ME: *dives out of the way*

@Lhlodder

Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.

6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.

@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@susafrican420

white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt

@Lmao

What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.