I lost my husband two years ago and am thinking about dating again.
Does this bed seem too desperate?
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
white ppl: omg lakeisha is such a ghetto name
white ppl: here comes my child daffodil ginseng blueberry yogurt
What I said: I forgot my book. What the teacher heard: I hate school, I hate you & I don’t want to make something out of my life.