Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
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The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
sleeping beauty
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
my dog when i have a friend over
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
Note to self: I am a note
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
what is cheese if not milk persevering
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
When walking on the beach with someone, I like to pretend that I’m the ocean’s lawyer. “Sorry, I have to take this,” I say holding a seashell to my ear. “It’s my best client.”
Ah..makes sense now