I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.
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I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.
was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.