@RegularFred

Woman: [blushing] I was told there wasn’t a single werewolf left in the world.
Werewolf: there isn’t. I’m married.

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@paraicodonnell

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

@tastefactory

I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”

@hilary_ann_

I don’t like it when restaurant servers ask “So what are you guys doing tonight?” because it makes me feel lame. THIS is what we’re doing, Kevin. Eating at Chili’s IS the event.

@4owe5i

was your ex gf really psycho or did she just have trust issues because of your lack of communication & ignorance of her genuine concerns

@myonlymizztake

Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!

@NrouteHQ

Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update

Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*

@mrjohndarby

Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time

@TheTweetOfGod

So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.