Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
You Might Also Like
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
she has a point
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I think I’m gonna make a bracelet that supports getting rid of bracelets that support stuff.