WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
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The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
ME: [deep in thought] it’s just so scary, u know?
HER: what is, life?
ME: [imagining an octopus holding 8 samurai swords] yes. Life.
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”