@jokesuk

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!

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@DrCephalopod

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

@SvnSxty

Me: wow

Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest

@stillwondering1

Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.

@OMGSoOverIt

I cleaned out my closet using the “If you haven’t worn it in a year, get rid of it” rule.

So now the only things in my closet are sweatpants and skeletons.

@CanadianCyn

If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@aveuaskew

Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.

@Laser_Cat

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

@ClassicMegan

I don’t care if you stop reading after 80 characters. I’m using all 140, even if what I say makes no sense at all. Oh also, your mom’s a who

@TheHyyyype

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism