@stevevsninjas

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

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@fat_sket

itโ€™s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or iโ€™ll k*ll u with my bare hands

@squirrel74wkgn

[playing guitar in hotel lounge]

Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?

Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?

@Dan_Haak

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

@ArfMeasures

Netflix: Should I play this movie?

Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second

Netflix: I’ll put it on

Me: I’m just literally reading what it is

Netflix: It’s playing ๐Ÿ™‚

@davidkenny100

It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.

So this is your uncle, you live with him now.

@thenatewolf

Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.

@CelebrityChez

How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?

@TheMossman82

Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack

@3sunzzz

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Can you hear my chips?

@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.