it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye.
So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
Wu-Tang is my favorite 15 person rap group and reaction to a beverage.
How long are you supposed to wait before you unpause the tv after your wife tells you she wants a divorce?
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.