My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person