Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
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Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
I need better friends
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?