Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

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My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.

The suspense is killing me!


Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?


Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”


idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go


[first day as Uber driver]

ME: Are you Keith?

Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:


He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection


*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”


You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes


M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.

Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.


“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person