@rad_milk

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

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@jellybnbonanza

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

@UnFitz

Waiter: Will you be dining alone tonight, sir?

Me: Yes. And I can hear the judgment in your voice, garçon. Did my mom put you up to this?

@stopbylater

Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”

Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”

@dafloydsta

COP: Know why I pulled you over?

ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?

COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-

@flashember

*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no

@skedaddle74

I’ve been talking to my husband in nothing but eighties song lyrics this morning.

Cuz you know, “it takes two to make a thing go right”, but only one wife to drive him crazy.

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@TheTweetOfGod

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

@NewDadNotes

Me: how do you say yes in French?

Wife: oui.

Me:

Wife:

Me: how do we say yes in French?