WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
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DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?