woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”


I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life



me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?


#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck


Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.


The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.


[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff


[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?


HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo


You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.


*a man runs into the bar*


*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*