@_laurabee_

woman next to me on the bus just asked me to read her text to her as she’s forgotten her glasses.

‘dog has shit entire length of kitchen.’

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@PinkCamoTO

My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”

@ericaj1721

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

@TheHyyyype

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

@MooseChuckleTag

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

@Nahdude83

Got kicked out of the casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.

@HomeProbably

The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.

Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.

@ClichedOut

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

@daemonic3

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

@lil_dead_girl_

You don’t realize how much you miss someone until they come back from the dead.

@thenatewolf

*a man runs into the bar*

“HELP HELP, IS ANYONE HERE COUSINS WITH BON JOVI?”

*my date looks at me, I do nothing, my lies are now exposed*