*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
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Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.
*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
DOG: Cat person, definitely.
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Impatient means she’s restlessly eager, inpatient means she lives in a mental hospital…
Learned that one the hard way.
ME: If you had the Sorting Hat on, which Hogwarts House do you think you’d be assigned to
DATE: Idk, none of that is real
ME: I bet I’d be in Hufflepuff
ME: Do you think Snape’s clothes were soft
DATE: I gotta go
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.