[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.
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Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*
*gets out ouija board*
“who is Emma”
Things that don’t exist:
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”