Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.

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[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho


Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.


*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”


Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get


Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.


[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]


Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”