@merseytart

Woman on CNN talking about London’s streets being eerily quiet. Mate, it’s Sunday. They’re not cowering in fear, they’re having a lie in.

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@continentlbkfst

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

@heyevergreen

Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.

@sophienuuttall

*goes through crush’s phone when he dies*

*gets out ouija board*

“who is Emma”

@KentWGraham

Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get

@inmybox07

Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

@sarcasticmommy4

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”