Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
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Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder