[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
– Gross no
– No. Anything is fine tho.
– Ew carbs

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My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”


These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.


*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*


If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.


Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.


The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds


My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there


I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…


Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”