@Sickayduh

[woman on death row]
“Your last meal?”
– I don’t care. You pick.
“Fish?”
– Gross no
“Steak?”
– No. Anything is fine tho.
“Pasta?”
– Ew carbs

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@Emily_R_King

My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”

@heatherlou_

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

@KKAlThani

*throws a grenade at Bruno Mars’ girlfriend*
*Bruno Mars appears out of nowhere and catches it*
*it explodes and both of them die*

@david8hughes

If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.

@ambamthankyamam

Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.

@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds

@PleaseBeGneiss

My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there

@Deurb1

I remember a friend asking me why I had a bottle of wine in my car, I said I got it for my wife…
He said good trade…

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”