Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
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A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
This is the one
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
hey, alexa
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
The Assassin.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.