Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
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My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: oh and I forgot to tell you…
My kid to his friend: you go on ahead, this is going to take a while
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
just left a huge legacy in there
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.