Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
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my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
This made me smile…
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
selfie game
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
My cat acts like he took a life insurance policy out on me and he’s the benefactor.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?