@RandomAntics

Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

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@Rollinintheseat

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”

@torrami

When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.

@fro_vo

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

@CatherineLMK

I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.

@HousewifeOfHell

College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.

@liamantt

Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me

@pattioshankable

I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”

@Nahdude83

*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*

@DaHess1

My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.