Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!

Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?

Woman: Yes! No!

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I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”


When hubs is sleeping I put my Care Bear blanket on him and take the most adorable blackmail photos ever.


ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle


I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.


College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.


Guy on grindr was called farm boy so I messaged saying it’s pasture bedtime and he blocked me


I’ve discovered the best way to punish 17, is to put on the same outfit as her, then follow her around all day yelling out “TWINSIES!”


*DJ scratches a sick mix*
[crowd goes wild]
*DJ scratches a puppy’s ear*
[crowd “awws”]
*DJ scratches Lotto ticket*
[crowd “oohs”]
*wins $1*


My wife and I do this cute thing where she sends me pics of kitchen towels she can’t decide on buying and I google my life expectancy.