Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
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Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Don’t snitch tag.
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!
ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?
KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes