WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
museum guide: america was founded on july 4, 1776
me: [nodding sagely] ah yes so its a Cancer. this explains everythig
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.