@ericsshadow

WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you

You Might Also Like

@BoomBoomBetty

It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.

@AnissaClingman

My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.

Well played brother, well played

@envydatropic

I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life

@aksorojas

I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it

@Mormonger

Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s

@kentgrossarth

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

@shawnspree

Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?

Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.

@ShittyComedian

Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.

@skittle624

My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.