It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
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My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.
Well played brother, well played
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”
Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.
Friend: How many calories does heartache burn?
Me: Depends on how many calories are in the person you are setting on fire.
Don’t you hate it when you’re so high on drugs that simple, everyday, mundane tasks become difficult? Anyway, I pissed on your sofa.
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.