@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

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@tvandjam

Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??

That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes

@ThisOneSayz

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

@Flora__Flora

How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

@BreakingNews

Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead

@EricMarten

It must have been really strange for Jesus to be the only white guy in the entire Middle East.

@JessObsess

ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder

*1 week later

ME: You still want a divorce?

THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING

@TweetPotato314

wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father

me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

@cjwerleman

Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.