@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

You Might Also Like

@JohnLyonTweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

@JoroPotential

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

@Shingaboop

Boss: Are you high?

Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.

@dorsalstream

[lights 2016 calendar on fire]

There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@TheCatWhisprer

[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]

@ka_unplugged

When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available

@DearAuntAbby

Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.