Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
Woman: The bees are dying.
random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.
You Might Also Like
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Boss: Are you high?
Me: You and I both know that I don’t make enough money to have a drug habit.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
When I see an ugly guy buying condoms, I restore my faith in myself by thinking that he bought them only because balloons weren’t available
oh you’re a feminist? name every woman
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Rich guy does it: 50 Shades of Grey.
Poor guy does it: Cops.