@awesomelocks

Woman: The bees are dying.

random male: I don’t know what kind of men YOU hang out with but I’M not killing bees.

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@Stevie___C

If a dentist make their money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?

@Brampersandon_

ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol

BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude

@tastefactory

JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*

@JJSummertime

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

@OpenClassMX

If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.

@Sassafrantz

At 17, Joan of Arc led the French to victory and I just looked for my phone while talking on it.

@alienated

PSA for librarians: occasionally check how the World Book encyclopedia is arranged on your shelves

@Doyle_McLain

BREAKING NEWS ON FACEBOOK!

Pam wants everyone to know what a great husband Don has been these last 8 years & for making her so very happy!