“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
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My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
“WHY ARE THEY STEALING OUR TRASH!?”
~ My kid, horrified that the garbage men are doing their job.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are