*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
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Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Bit chilly again tonight.
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.