Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
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That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
I’m really disappointed in Shaq for not having his own tequila called Shaquila.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but you’re not a savage, you’re an idiot.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
If only.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now