WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children

ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you

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God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send


This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour


Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.


My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.


The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid

and they really asked ….

If it was in color


Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?

Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.

Wife: You want to run a business?

Me: Business?


Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review


Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.


Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”