Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
You Might Also Like
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?nnCos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”