Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
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Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.