woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
You Might Also Like
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
I don’t want to say I’m naïve, but two women asked me to come to their hotel and make a sandwich, and I showed up with a griddle, bread, and 3 kinds of cheese
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?