If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
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all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.