@iGreenMonk

Women always call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

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@bobvulfov

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

@stevevsninjas

The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.

@TheMichaelRock

12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year?

Me: What’s wrong with the one we live in?

12yo: WHAT?!

Me: Goodnight, son.

@jus4golf

I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever

@figgled

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

@jwoodham

Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.

@KatieBurnett

To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you

@petridishes

ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no

@Marlebean

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*