Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
You Might Also Like
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
My dentist just looked in my mouth and said something is gonna have to come out. I suspect he’s talking about my wallet.
i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
Based Erika
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]