women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
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Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
[saturday, 5am]
no one:
no one at all:
delivery truck: I AM BACKING UP!!!!
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Trying to support my wife’s fitness goals without coming across as ‘too’ supportive. “I’ll watch the kids if you wanna run on the treadmill. Not saying you need to…like only if you want to. Or do something different with that time cuz you’re perfect.”
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
For the baby who has everything
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.