Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
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*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
Don’t believe everything you read on a Mayan stone carving
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Sounds about right. 😂🤣
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
that wasn’t the question
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.