“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
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DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.