Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that

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Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”

But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”

And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.


PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)




ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now


My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup


ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful


You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.


“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.


Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…