“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Delta India Charlie Kilo”
– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
If I had a piranha pond I might ask you to come over and take a close look at the lilypads