Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
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Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…