Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
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When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Happy Febuary everyone!
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there