@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

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@3sunzzz

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”

@theroyaltramp

I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.

@evanrhorne

My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.

@SteveSuckington

“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover

@BrandonEsWolf

Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?

@david8hughes

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

@BoogTweets

Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel

@baseballchickie

First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.