@kelkulus

Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

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@Beyerstein

Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.

@DannyZuker

“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.

@Tommytoughstuff

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

@KKAlThani

Probably the worst time to ask “shouldn’t we go on a date first?” is after getting handcuffed by a police officer.

@AdamTheLobster

“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark

@zachreinert03

A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice

@samalmightysam

I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.

@JamieDMJ

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

@BigJDubz

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

@AtticusFinch79

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads