Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.

Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.

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Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”


I just downloaded another distraction on my distraction device so I can be distracted when my other distractions aren’t distracting enough.


My daughter made the carpet hot lava and I’m afraid I’ll be late for work now.


“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”

-extreme home makeover


Why would you want to be part of the problem when you can be the entire problem?


[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free


Me: how much for the horse kabobs

Ride operator: it’s a carousel


First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.

(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)


I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.