How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
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bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor
With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
reduce, reuse, recycle
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide