Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
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Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
I got up early to start the Lentil soup in the crockpot, and I realized I don’t have tomato paste, and now my Italian ancestors are cursing me (in Italian) from their graves. I’m pretty sure I just felt a wooden spoon hit my bottom.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.