women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
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Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*