“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
You Might Also Like
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.