Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.

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remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life


I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers


My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.


“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”

Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”


(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.


Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.


can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo not

do not @ me i wo not answer


Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help


Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.


Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:

Have you ever seen a dead body?

*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*