You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.
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Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
[toon world police department]
chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?
me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string
chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.