@hero_ofthenight

Women are like Gremlins, get them wet and they get into all sorts of trouble.

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@Bob_Heller

You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.

@robdelaney

Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@sliver_of

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

@AaronFullerton

Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”

@djdarrellripley

After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..

@sonictyrant

[toon world police department]

chief of police: can u describe the explosive device?

me: it’s like a bowling ball with a fizzy string

chief of police: listen very carefully, i want you to lick your thumb and index finger ….

@jwoodham

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

@Bob_Janke

This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.