Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
#Caturday
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me too door. Me too.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?