TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
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I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
I just passed my drug test. My dealer has some explaining to do.
only baby boomers will get this:
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”