I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
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A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
Me, running into a mom friend at Trader Joe’s: oh your hair looks fabulous! Have you done anything different?
Her: Oh thanks! That’s the lice treatment
Taliband
I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.