Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Women are like, “no I’m not mad”
*sets your car on fire*
Nope not mad
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“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Banned from driving.
If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.
Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.