@lovemyboots111

Women are like, “no I’m not mad”

*sets your car on fire*

Nope not mad

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.

@ehdannyboy

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

@Parentpains

If by loves to travel you mean secretly following you every where you go from a safe distance then yes I love to travel.

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@stuckinaportal

me: i want your honest opinion

friend: [gives honest opinion]

me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]

@jnthnwll

Prayed over the 8-piece Chick-Fil-A nugget I bought, then opened the box and found 12 nuggets. This is my testimony.

@jdforshort

Your smell is so intoxicating
Your skin so soft and warm
I can’t wait to eat you up

~Mosquitos

@mjohnny3

On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.

@fletchworld73

So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.

@casual_koala

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.