My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.