I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
You want to sext?
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them