Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
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Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
gonna start leaving comments on random tweets like “the power of christ compels you”
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon