Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
You Might Also Like
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
⬜⬜🟩⬜⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
Big Sex has us all fooled
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college