That’s disgusting! Where did you learn to do that?! Don’t wipe boogers on Mommy’s pillow!
Wipe it on Daddy’s
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Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Finally a use for spoilers…
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”